gotosleep_idiot | Mata Test Drive Memerz

Except that when they both were ready to be psychopaths, things got a little out of control. Not that she minded, but she knew that he would, later. She holstered the squareness gun and crossed her arms over the bulky suit, watching him have his temper tantrum. It wasn't that she thought for a second that he wasn't entitled to his anger. Or even the depth of it. He was. He had every right to be furious, and she was happy to be furious on his behalf. But he didn't like who he was when he let that anger rage, he didn't like what he did.

And she was there to protect him. From himself, if need be. So she crossed her arms, and waited for him to be done screaming at nothing. Because when he screamed at nothing that was generally what he achieved. And he was so much better than that.

"Are we quite done?" she asked, letting him now through tone that she thought he was acting rather like a child. Either it would calm him down, or it would focus his temper on her. She could live with either answer, because he could. Because if he got his hands on someone who he thought was behind this while he was in this rage...

She warned him at Demons Run about this. That his name was coming to mean things he did not want it to. And a mood like this would only make that worse, if he did what he clearly wanted to do. The Doctor had the ability to see the big picture, but sometimes his emotions narrowed his view. She knew he wouldn't hurt her, wouldn't do anything to her that he would regret later. She had no idea how much he regretted already. So she was a safe target for his anger, and she could help him work through it until he calmed down enough to think clearly.

Or her chiding tone would calm him down, and they could skip the part of the dance where they stepped on each other's toes for a few hours. She would be just as fine with that. But right now, he needed what so many other people needed throughout history. Right now, he needed the Doctor.

And she was sure as **** going to do all she could to make sure he had all the help he needed.

Normally, River's analysis of him would be somewhat accurate. Except.

Except this is the Doctor who hasn't had the stabilising force of the TARDIS for over 4.5 billion years. Not even Clara could stop him from firing on the General and killing him in cold blood. And the Doctor didn't regret it. (Wouldn't regret it until he had his connection with the TARDIS back.)

The lack of Time Sense in this place only made him less stable.

"Oh. I've barely started."

There is a coldness to his tone that River had probably never heard in all their 24 years together. She didn't know this him. This was a part of him that he kept buried deep. And since he had the TARDIS back by then, it didn't make sense to burden her with it. But it was more than coldness. It was a deep-seated hatred. Something he usually reserved for Time Lords. Except now. Now... this place will experience it.

"Alright then, my love," she said simply, "let's hear the rest of it then." Let it all out, and then they can work on fixing things, or moving on. But if he needed to rage, then fine, he could rage. She was still the only one there, still the only target for all that fury, other than himself. She'd stop him going after himself, he'd stop himself going after her.

So they could work through whatever rage he needed to work through. Maybe someone else would have flinched in the face of his rage. She knew what he could do, at his darkest, at his lowest. And she still stood there, was still there for him, with him.

That wasn't how this was going to work. Not this time.

"River. Don't."

It was a warning. Maybe a threat. He knew she didn't know what she's doing. The probability for someone getting hurt was high. He wasn't going to continue to shout. No he had other ideas. What he had done on Gallifrey had been pretty effective: Kick out Rassilon and the High Council and take over the whole operation himself.

"Don't?" she asked, she let her arms fall and she walked over to him. "Then what should I be doing?" she asked. "What could I possibly do to fix any of this, because if you see an answer, I clearly don't. So tell me, if not this, what should I be doing?" she asked, firmly.
If he needed someone to draw the line in the sand for him, she would do it. Until he was ready to do it himself. For him... and for her.

One psychopath per Tardis, please.

"Don't as in stop. As in you can't fix this."

He huffs and runs his hands through his hair. Both hands. But as soon as he's done, the one hand is back to keeping it's rhythm.

"I can't even fix this, so I don't know why you think you can."

He's more lost than he cares to admit to anyone. And a bit more angry and panicked as a result of feeling lost. River is getting to see those parts of him because she has seen him at his worst, and if she recognises him, she's still ahead of him in their timelines. She probably knows more about him than he knows about himself.

"I know it can be fixed. I know the word impossible means give you five minutes, I know the word can't is like a dare to you, Doctor, and I know that just now? You're not the only one in this mess. Maybe I can't fix this, but maybe we can."

She stepped closer to him again, crossed her arms over the space suit, just a hair away from touching him, almost touching him, but not quite. "I know you like to think that since you are the most clever person in the room, you're the only one who can do anything of value," she said dryly. "But my love, the most clever person does not mean you are the only clever person. You don't have to be a psychopath. You have one on payroll."

She smiled a bit at that, but the smile was neither friendly nor flirty. Okay, so for anyone other than River, that wouldn't be considered flirty.

He looks her up and down. The thing is, he's still the Doctor and he knows what it will take. And her flirtatiousness only goes on to anger him.

"So, do you have a TARDIS tucked away somewhere in your suit? Do you have my Time Sense hidden somewhere I don't know about, because unless you do, you. can't. HELP!"

Yes, yes he was more or less screaming at the end of that sentence.

"Do I have a Tardis... no," she said blandly. She did, however, have a sonic screwdriver and a vortex manipulator. And if he calmed down enough to actually think, she was sure he would realize that, and that he would think of all the things that he could do with that.

"And even if I did have a Tardis, what would it matter?" she asked. "There is only one Tardis that matters, that has ever mattered. I could go back to when some Time Lord parked his on a street corner in a time that isn't locked, and take that. It won't make a lick of difference, and we both know that."

She will poke the bear until he can no longer roar, if that is what it takes.

The Doctor is trying to remain as calm as possible, really he is. "Right now? Any TARDIS will do."

He taps at his head with more force than is actually necessary. "I need to feel her in my head. I'm tired of the silence. Tired of hearing only myself. And she could help me to recalibrate my Time Sense."

He's huffy and angry and pacing. And no, telling him to calm down will not help matters.

"Any other Tardis wouldn't be her," she said bluntly. "Any other Tardis, and you might as well hop through time my way," she snapped.

She won't tell him to calm down, she'll work him up to see if he'll tell her to, or see if she can't dangle something in front of him, verbally, that he'd latch on to, to put that energy to better use.

"It's not about time travel, and you aren't this daft!"

"You're right, it won't be her, but any TARDIS is better than the silence!"

The eternal silence that he has endured for over 4.5 billion years. He needs something more than that.

"Any connection will be something! I've had nothing for too long. Don't I deserve something?"

He will not break down in front of River. He will be angry and filled with rage. He will be the Warrior someone demanded he not be. He will not give in to grief and despair.

"You're right, it's not about Time Travel. That's exactly right! It's about not being able to sense time at all! It's about being blinded. It's about not knowing where my TARDIS is. It's about..."

He is breathing heavily. But, he's not ready yet to talk to River about what he faced, what he endured. In some way it doesn't matter that she already knows. He's been broken in a way that is just... He doesn't know what. He doesn't know how to put himself together again, not without the TARDIS. And certainly not without his Time Sense.

Edited (html hates me) 2016-09-07 19:42 (UTC)

"Well, my love," she said a bit tartly. "We both know what I do to Silence." Let him catch the double meaning, she intended for him to. The sound she spoke into, the invaders of Earth... Well, she still was rather fond of her gun.

"But being blinded..." she said and she reached up a hand, and actually touched his face, specifically his eyes. "They say that when you lose one sense, the others grow stronger, but at the moment, you seem to have lost all sense, common and otherwise." Scrape. Scrape. Scrape.

She's standing there, ready to be a target, willing to be a target, willing to force him to come to terms with his own rage, and willing to catch him when rage falls, and she sees what is left behind.

There were once cracks in the universe. There are now cracks in his armor. And she was there, ready to pick up the pieces.

"Time moves, always," she whispered. "It is something you know, even of you cannot feel it. You are still you, even if for the moment, you cannot hear it."

River is one of the very few people he would ever allow to touch in this way. Especially after all he'd faced in his Confession Dial. But, still, every muscle in his body tenses when she covers his eyes with her hand. His breathing is shallow - the effect of holding in all the emotion.

But he lets her do this. It's one of the small signs of his trust in her. And he even waits until she's finished - no matter how much he wants to protest her words. He raises his hands to cover hers and gently removes them from his eyes. No he doesn't kiss the knuckles. He's not the romantic sort. Not yet. That's in his future.

He can't speak. His only reply is to pull her into a hug. Well, hug. More he drapes himself over her because he simply has no strength left now. And he is absolutely not crying. Time Lords don't cry. (Except he might be actually weepy.)

Edited 2016-09-07 20:09 (UTC)

She closes her arms around him, and lets him take what he needs. She'd give him all the strength she had, if she could. All her confidence and her courage. Whatever is hers, she would gladly give him if it would make any of this better, for even a moment. She doesn't speak, since he hasn't. She just held him, for as long as he wanted, as long as he needed.

If she noticed him crying while his face was hidden, she made no comment. There were no jokes for this, no flirting, just the quite sharing of strength, just the giving of what comfort she could.

He remains there for a few minutes. Or hours, anyone's guess. Well. He knows it's not more than 58 hand-claps, so under a minute. But even that is about 38 seconds too long for him. He slowly pulls away from her and so very quickly pulls himself together. Almost as if none of that whole episode happened. The only hint at any of it is the tell-tale hint of pink where his eyes should be white.

He clears his throat.

"So. You're alive, then."

He looks her up and down.

"Well. At least something good came of this place. But... don't go looking for the me you just left. He's here, but he... that hasn't happened for him yet."

She let him pull away, physically.

"I'm alive then," she agreed. "Wait, he's here? And you're here." and he needed some distance from the emotions he had exposed. "So all I have to do to have two of you is celebrate either my birth or my death?" she teased lightly. Very lightly. Keeping it gentle and easy. Giving him the chance to take the teasing or to keep things more serious. Giving him the freedom to set the tone, and the invitation to take the lighter one if he wanted it.

He is more confused than anything by her statement. It was Sand-shoes who was there when she died... and really, none of him were there when she was born and he regrets that more than he will ever admit. Point is: he couldn't figure out why she was trying to bring Bow-tie into it.

Not that it mattered. He had nothing left emotionally or mentally at this point. Still, he heard her teasing tone.

"And you're still ahead of me."

It was a lame attempt at humour. And it probably fell flat.

"How can I ever hope to surprise or impress you now?"

Because he assumes future him - doesn't matter if it was this him or another him - future him must have told her everything. And even if he didn't, just by being around future him, something of the truth had to have bled through...

She gave him a small twist of her lips s a smile, her eyes relieved that he seems to be at least trying for lighter things. "I am. Ahead of you. But that has never once stopped you from impressing me." Or surprising him, but really, one boost to his ego at a time, and often even that was a drop too much.

She loved him, so very much. And she supposed there were no words she could say to him - or when she thought him utterly absent - that could ever fully convey the depth of those feelings. She was the one who had to keep confusing and surprising him, to keep his interest. He didn't have to do that to keep hers. Her interest, her love, her heart... they were his. No matter who was ahead of whom, no matter what did or did not happen.

Though she was a bit relieved he wasn't going to go on about sunsets and stars. That... had not been her finest moment.

No. Nothing about sunsets. Well. Not right now. Frankly, while knowing he and his TARDIS get reunited is a relief, it doesn't solve any of the problems he's having right now. And Sunsets and Towers won't make the problems seem any more bearable at this point.

This was less than the Doctor's finest moment. But, 4.5 billion years, over 230 billion times of dying, getting back to Gallifrey, saving Clara only to have her erased from his memories, being separated from his TARDIS for all of it... can anyone really blame him for his tantrum?

And her small stroke to his ego is able to burst through all of that doubt, pain, and loss. He is able to manage a small smile.

"Well, there's one thing about you recognising me. The last time I saw you... I really thought was the last time I'd see you. But if you know me looking like this, well... there's something to look forward to."

He just hopes it's something good.

She gave him a small smile when he spoke. "Something wonderful to look forward to, my love," she whispered. "One of my dearest memories." Even if she never would live down the things she said to buy time, when she didn't realize it was him standing beside her.

"You and I, we spend all our moments together surprising each other." It was what made them work, and work well. She loved him so much, and was still staggered by the thought that he loved her, too.

He nods once. "I'm glad you have that."

She deserves some of that after everything he's put her through. And if there's one good to come of this place that he's decided is wretched, it brought her here. Alive. Well, alive-ish.

And he sounds genuinely happy for her. Not even a hint of possible jealousy he might have towards any of his other selves. Not even a longing that he should have that for himself.

"And I'm glad that you have it to look forward to," she said. She had come to terms with that, sitting in her own personal electric chair. Stormcage couldn't hold her, and given that she was here, apparently neither could death. But she had thought she was about to die, and she had come to terms with the fact that he still would get to know her, that he would still get to have all those wonderful moments. Her memories. His future.

Their love.

He nods and offers a little smirk. Because he does that in this body.

"But neither of us are there, we're both here... so what do we do with ourselves now?"

His voice is still a bit forlorn, because until he has either his Time Sense back or his TARDIS, he is about as lost as he's ever been in his life. While River knowing him is a small comfort, he really wishes she didn't know this part of him.

"Now?" she asked, seeming mildly amused. "Now, it seems to me like we have a whole new world to explore. We have no clue how we're here, or why, or how to leave. We're probably not the only ones dragged here, however we were dragged here, and others might not be as calm about it as we are..."

Yes, she was lightly poking fun at him. She's married to the man, she's entitled.

"I think we have quite a bit to do with ourselves, now."

Mata Test Drive Memerz

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I... have no clue if that was River-y. I need to rewatch stuff. >.<

SHush! it's lovey and I'm weepy now, thanks. ALL THE ICONS!

Awwwwwwww!!!!!

ALL THE ICONS!

We need their paids back, don't we >.<

If he gets accepted, he'll get the upgrade.

Her as well, if I can afford it. Got one other who needs and 2 who are expiring >.<

One of the reasons why it's one game at a time for me :/

I have so many journals atm >.<

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Stop it when I'm at work! //sniffle//

AWWWWWWWWWWW! Warning, posts today will be distracted. Studying.